How to be unpopular. :- It's better to declare the truth and be rejected than to withhold it just to be accepted. - rbc.net daily bread.
this year is coming to an end.. and it made me really think about what happened.. what i have acheived.. what God has done in my life. After 6 years of back sliding.. here i am Lord. back to you. I think back.. 6 years was a very long time.. yet throughout that 6 years.. You were always there for me.. blessing me, guiding me.. even though I didn't want to know you at all. I could have done so much more if i didn't back slide.. but yah.. it was not all bad. cos i know You are the only one who can turn bad things for Your glory still.
Flash back. I became a christian when I was 14. it made me doubt.. when i said the sinner's prayers, did it even mean anything to me. as a new christian, i faced many issues with my self identity.. trying so hard to be accepted. a little hard cos i was so quiet.. but i made friends.. but only see them on sunday. so its kinda hard to build relationships jus based on sunday youth service. luckily for me.. there was ruili who was my classmate and we grew close. the only reason that held me back was really her. ruili was such an angel.. i would go to her house every sunday after church without fail.
By 16, i backslided when i first got attached to this guy.. who was a two timing creep. But i knew it.. yet i still went ahead with it.. sigh.. perhaps to fill up the void... grabbing anything that came along. looking back now.. i knew it was no good.. yet as a teenager.. somethings we find it so hard to wanna feel accepted. and of cos.. i tot.. i haven't had a boyfriend before so why no. geez.. i gave everything.. being my 1st.. sigh.. but he never really loved me.. cos looking back now.. i saw how selfish he was.. always boasting about love.. aye. love is not boastful! I still attended church.. and I was in city harvest for 2 years.. and i had a cell group. yet during those years.. i didn't want to commit to anything.. i was there to just receive and receive ... wat really made me upset was my cellmate telling me to break up with my boyfriend.. now when i look back.. i know why she said it.. but back then.. being a rebellious crit, i was determined to prove her wrong. When i found out that he two timed me, i grew really really bitter. little did i know.. a wall build up in me.. cos being so vulnerable i hated it.. i truely hated it. i wanted to be strong .. and went on a rampage to rebel and do all sorts of stuff to "get back" i went out with many different guys just for fun.. drinking.. clubbing... yah.. i worst thing is.. i almost slept with one of them.. those days were really bad.. yet nothing.. nothing could fill up that void. we finally broke up.. when he started abusing me and himself.. cos i was so closed up. i didn't talk, everytime we had problems we didn't talk and he couldn't take it.
the fact that i couldn't talk about problems, bottling up my problems.. didn't stop. i had the same problems with shawn. its so deep rooted.. i didn't know wat to do. sigh.. and with all my other relationships. the break up with shawn earlier this year.. really shook me up. being dumped.. lol. was the negative thought. but i know he didn't.. God is forever in control. But knowin is not enough.. have we accepted it? have we accepted that we are forever loved by God? that He has paid a great price for us and that nothing we can do, no sin will ever change the fact that He died for us. well i didn't.. i couldn't accept it.. i couldn't love myself. i didn't know how to. i never knew i had to love myself..
Thank you Lord, for showing me and reminding me of Your unfailing and unconditional love.. through my kitties.. I'm truely thankful for all the blessings You have giving me in my life. Even though after i have fallen time and time again.. help me to love myself and to love You and Your people more and more each day.
this year is coming to an end.. and it made me really think about what happened.. what i have acheived.. what God has done in my life. After 6 years of back sliding.. here i am Lord. back to you. I think back.. 6 years was a very long time.. yet throughout that 6 years.. You were always there for me.. blessing me, guiding me.. even though I didn't want to know you at all. I could have done so much more if i didn't back slide.. but yah.. it was not all bad. cos i know You are the only one who can turn bad things for Your glory still.
Flash back. I became a christian when I was 14. it made me doubt.. when i said the sinner's prayers, did it even mean anything to me. as a new christian, i faced many issues with my self identity.. trying so hard to be accepted. a little hard cos i was so quiet.. but i made friends.. but only see them on sunday. so its kinda hard to build relationships jus based on sunday youth service. luckily for me.. there was ruili who was my classmate and we grew close. the only reason that held me back was really her. ruili was such an angel.. i would go to her house every sunday after church without fail.
By 16, i backslided when i first got attached to this guy.. who was a two timing creep. But i knew it.. yet i still went ahead with it.. sigh.. perhaps to fill up the void... grabbing anything that came along. looking back now.. i knew it was no good.. yet as a teenager.. somethings we find it so hard to wanna feel accepted. and of cos.. i tot.. i haven't had a boyfriend before so why no. geez.. i gave everything.. being my 1st.. sigh.. but he never really loved me.. cos looking back now.. i saw how selfish he was.. always boasting about love.. aye. love is not boastful! I still attended church.. and I was in city harvest for 2 years.. and i had a cell group. yet during those years.. i didn't want to commit to anything.. i was there to just receive and receive ... wat really made me upset was my cellmate telling me to break up with my boyfriend.. now when i look back.. i know why she said it.. but back then.. being a rebellious crit, i was determined to prove her wrong. When i found out that he two timed me, i grew really really bitter. little did i know.. a wall build up in me.. cos being so vulnerable i hated it.. i truely hated it. i wanted to be strong .. and went on a rampage to rebel and do all sorts of stuff to "get back" i went out with many different guys just for fun.. drinking.. clubbing... yah.. i worst thing is.. i almost slept with one of them.. those days were really bad.. yet nothing.. nothing could fill up that void. we finally broke up.. when he started abusing me and himself.. cos i was so closed up. i didn't talk, everytime we had problems we didn't talk and he couldn't take it.
the fact that i couldn't talk about problems, bottling up my problems.. didn't stop. i had the same problems with shawn. its so deep rooted.. i didn't know wat to do. sigh.. and with all my other relationships. the break up with shawn earlier this year.. really shook me up. being dumped.. lol. was the negative thought. but i know he didn't.. God is forever in control. But knowin is not enough.. have we accepted it? have we accepted that we are forever loved by God? that He has paid a great price for us and that nothing we can do, no sin will ever change the fact that He died for us. well i didn't.. i couldn't accept it.. i couldn't love myself. i didn't know how to. i never knew i had to love myself..
Thank you Lord, for showing me and reminding me of Your unfailing and unconditional love.. through my kitties.. I'm truely thankful for all the blessings You have giving me in my life. Even though after i have fallen time and time again.. help me to love myself and to love You and Your people more and more each day.
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